Mnemosyne, Muse of Memory

Look at these two lovely ladies.  The one on the right is my beautiful, slender, intelligent wife of nearly thirty five years.  She is having a hard time smiling in this picture because I have allowed the bottom to drop out of her life by losing my position and not being able to get another.  She has headaches and sinus infections; its as if she is trying to sneeze the evil out of her life. 
 
The lady on the left is my daughter, Heather Wyatt Cheng.  She is about to leave on a plane to return to Sen Diego, her newly adopted home.  She is content; complete.  She is 23 weeks pregnant and reading everything on babies she can.  She shopped for baby furniture and plans to redecorate her 1-room apartment in 'Cisco for the new baby.  Its going to be a girl and "Hanna" is on the top of the name list.  I am so happy for Heather.
 
For me, I have a pain in the pit of my stomach constantly and cannot relax.  I am losing my confidence, but I have to get a job of some kind.  This will be truly God's will if I get something.  I thought I needed to go across the country to work there for awhile, but after spending two days completing the application online for Las Vegas, they emailed me to say they weren't interested.  I don't think they wanted a retiree.  So what is in store?  I don't know but I am realizing that life is always unstable, even when you have a job, so you have to have constant faith at all times.
Heather & Donna on the day Heather left for San Diego 

Heather at the front door in a July of 2004 visit.  Heather had not been home for half a year, yet in that time much had changed.  She found that she was with child and I found that I was without a job.  We helped each other but I believe she was more help for me than I was for her.  Heather loved the quiet solitude of reading and writing and just thinking while at out house; no barking dogs or whiny kids.  We turned off the TV most of the time and talked or read; it was wonderful for all of us.  We went out to eat a lot and walked around Lambertville, but mostly stayed at home admiring the flowers.  Since her visit, Heather has called and written much.  She is supporting me through my difficult time.  Love goes both ways.

I haven't had a summer like this before.  I am not working, but I am not enjoying the time off because I'm not make any money.  Heather was here last week and she is now the parent and I'm the child needing support in this difficult time. 
 
Donna has left me emotionally if not physically.  it is only a matter of time.  If I got a good paying job it would not make any difference now, because she doesn't believe in me anymore.  Heather is supporting me because she is my daughter.  Damon?  I don't know.  I don't expect kids to take sides.  They have enough problems to cope with.  What do I want?  I don't know yet.  Too soon to tell.  I could find a job in NJ, a private school, or a school outside of NJ.  Anything would be better than nothing since I am or will be receiving pension soon.
 
I think of my Grandfather Salmon, "Pop Pop".  He couldn't hold down a job but that was because he took his earnings to the bar and got wasted so much he didn't show up for work the next Monday and got fired.  I have two degrees, was a U. S. Army officer, worked in different schools for thirty years in NJ and now I am a person that can't hold down a job?  Even if I came to the realization that I had problems in my jobs, I kept trying.  I was "reduced in force" form Flemington in December and kept a stiff upper lip until I left in June.  That takes courage, doesn't it?  Maybe.  But what were my alternatives?  To leave and never return to teaching again.  If I had done that I would not have made the 30 years. 
 
I am hesitant to dream to have a goal because it gets obliterated by the immediate needs of the time.  Is it possible to dream to make a goal, to set out in that direction and still put food on the table and pay the mortgage?  People do it all the time; why can't I?